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[12 Aug 2010|10:20am]
i am miserable.
i can't think straight.
my heart hurts. it's heavy sitting so much more present inside of my chest.
somedays are worse.
all days are horrible.
i'm completely running on empty.
i wish the world would just stop.
and let me take some time.
i need a solitary vacation instead of with everyone in my ear.
but i don't want to leave the world behind.
i just want it to stop.
how selfish. how very selfish.
but the only place i can relax is in the water
with the comfort of being with my own thoughts
no variables.
i guess you can never get what you want though.
i want what i want. but time hasn't passed the way i thought it would.
i am so miserable.
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[28 Feb 2008|12:10am]
I am simply in love.
that's all i need to say.
that's really it.
It's probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.
How could i have been so lucky?
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Not quite sure about this all.... [15 Oct 2007|05:19pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I don't know where to go or what to do. School is fine, lots of work. I wish I could go on vacation alone with my boyfriend. Alone, and away from all the chaos. I miss him a lot. But I have to be comfortable being here myself. I think I can do it. It's just difficult. I wonder where he is each time I think of him. Maybe he's thining of me at that same time. I hope so. I miss him terribly, and I wish things were easier. But, I think we can make it. He is my world. I don't know where I would be without him right now. He's my rock, and I admire all of his hard work. He works so hard...I wish I had money to take him on a vacation. I want him to relax and not worry about anything. He deserves it. But I don't know. Things are just not working out for me. I'm feeling kind of sad lately. A lot. for an unexplained reason. And I keep thinking about all of the things that I have already dealt with and I remember thinking..I can handle anything now. Maybe I need to see my doctor when I get back home. Maybe my script can be increased. That may help. But who knows what the parents will say. Is it so bad to want to be happy? I want to, so much. But it's haunting me again i think, and that's not good. I need to look into somehting good to help me. Not sure what...but I hope I'll be okay. And I'm sure I will be. I have my man. An amazing guy who loves me and actually cares. Thank God.
So, today was long exhausting, and I still have several more hours to go until i finally go back to bed. I just want to stay in bed for a long time. For quite some time. I need some time to relax. When the hell is that gonna happen?

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[21 Jan 2007|06:17pm]
watching the game with baby boy
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[16 Jan 2007|06:24pm]
I'm so unsure.
And you are so blank.

I want you to show me off.
I want to be known.
I'm waiting to break out, and there's nothing worse than life's Ophelia syndrome.
I'm tired, and cold every single day.
And I can't seem to get around this.
This is all so insane.

Get me out and away somehow, and fast.
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5 seconds......... lost thoughts [11 Jan 2007|09:17pm]
[ mood | Ohmmmm ]

purse your lips.
in the most natural sense.
lean on me closer to my skin than before.
i love the touch of your body next to mine in bed.
let's sleep together forever, in each others arms.
And not just because.
But since it's beautiful.
It's comforting and warm. 
warmer than anything I remembered.
I've never been so graced with such a hand.
A working hand none the less.
A strong and masculine and to curl around my waist at 2:34 in the morning.
And after loving eachother, we're good.
Good for tonight.
And to wake up early next to you is nothing that I could imagine.
I've never even imagined.
it's so wonderfully spontaneous I hadn't yet even thought of it.
Tomorrow is always a new day, and I'm looking forward to it.
Goodnight darling.
not yet angel, not yet lover,
but dearest friend and closest to my heart.
The other night when all was quiet, except the buzzing of the television, 
I couldn't help but smile, and I cried inside.
I truely did.
And I loved every minute of that evening.
Oh, how I did.
So precious and dainty.
Yet I feel there's a bloom coming this season...

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come with me tonight [11 Jan 2007|09:14pm]
 - so i miss my long hair, indefinately.
 - so i miss mom&dad being together, a lot.
 - and i'd love to do something spontaneously.
 - I'd like a hoop in my nose.
 - And to add a sharp dash of color to my hair.
 - I miss being tan. [here i come tanning bed...]
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Long Time No Blog [11 Dec 2006|05:42pm]

So, tis official.
Freaking yay.

Like PB & J

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[21 Nov 2006|05:32pm]
[ mood | excited ]

So, I will finally be seeing Peter tonight.
Yes, I saw his again on Friday, but, I'm seeing him again tonight.
He turns nineteen tomorrow.
And I have a half day as well tomorrow.
Let's see how tonight goes.

1 comment|post comment

[16 Nov 2006|09:46pm]
I made cupcakes tonight.
I miss butthead.
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He kissed me with her in mind. [12 Nov 2006|11:26pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I understand, age is a problem for most men.
I understand, age is a problem for most boys.
But where have all the men gone?
I understand, yes I'm so young.
And I have my whole life ahead of me.
But just like anyone else, I'd love to share my life with them.
Who wants to be alone all of the time?

Whatever, I'm tired of complaining.

Yet, I can't stop.

And all I think about is...
what if?
and how come?

I don't see how such people can have such wonderful relationships.
Why not me?
Am I missing something?
What am I not doing, or what am I doing that makes everything fall apart.
There's nothing but hope, but there's nothing left here in my bed at the end of the night.
Just me and my cat.
And though I enjoy the fluffy tail in my hands while sleeping,
I'd rather feel a body warm next to me.
I guess I need protection and love to make me happy.

It's like some people say, a woman's man often resembles the traits of her father.
My father has been very absent in my life lately.
I guess I'm eagerly searching for someone to fill his non-existant shoes.

Whatever will I do with myself?
I wish I had no school tomorrow.
A bit of Alice in Wonderland and Chunky Monkey would seem to do the trick.

7 comments|post comment

[24 Oct 2006|10:02pm]
[ mood | cold ]

So once upon a time there was a girl who wished to have a nice boy to bring home to her family.
Actually she really didn't care how much her family liked him.
So, there once was a girl who wished to have a nice tragically romantic man in her life.

Let's cut to the chase...

She never finds him during her searches.
She's still looking.

If you find him, send him to her.
(via... here)
She lives off of her ventalating writing, so she'll probably be checking for comments on this stupid livejournal.
or not.
but who knows.
She's a weird one.

Love always,

  - a mess.

2 comments|post comment

you... [06 Sep 2006|07:56am]
[ mood | horny ]

you fucking make me sick.

1 comment|post comment

I'm 5' 7 and I love long walks on the beach... [26 Aug 2006|09:21pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Block Island Adventures With The Friends...

- I can't see any shooting stars!
- Use your Peripheral vision...
- I can't, I'm not a hammerhead shark!!!
[dying of laughter...]

- What exactly is the Milky Way?...Call someone... 

- I think I sliced my foot open.
...I sliced my foot open.
- We need a plan. now!

- Look at the eye in the sky! Look at it! Why can't you see it, it's right there.
- It was peach? I didn't even taste that.
- Jacqui, want to watch a movie? Jacqui...Jacqui? Wake Up!

[Dorey's Cove]
petrified wood carvings.

- Let's go look at those houses!
- It'd be fun to be stranded on an island.
- It shattered, and scratched my boobs!
- Rock Games = <3

- I look the guy from panic! at the disco...
- Look! I'm a fairy.
No, you're Robin Hood.


So, basically I enjoy going around the beach at 10 at night with friends. We enjoy taking beer from old men, talking to them about our sex lives, and how none of us have any connection other than a good friendship, and will always have that. Giving advice to them, about their children and wives...Going from one camp fire to the next bumming anything we can. Rolling joints on the bottom of someone's sandals...then trying to light it with by far the worst wind ever. Viewing the milky way, which made us realize how much we didn't pay attention in our science classes...Or just maybe, tripping on rocks, and finding it easier to walk in the sand when you're fucked up...carrying your friends, kicking sand into a fire pit, and burning your feet, maybe cause you didn't realize what the hell you were doing. Talk about delayed reaction. Looking at eyes in the skies...going out on adventures around the island, falling off the great wall of china, visiting horses and roosters, and driving around 'the rock' several times.
then sadly a ferry ride, and a good-bye.

friends = love.
let's do it again...

[this time, screw the iced-tea.]

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Men [20 Aug 2006|11:15pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i cannot find a man.
i know, I don't need one, but every single guy I see nowadays doesn't seem interested in me.
I hate this.
I feel so lonely, and unloved.

I need a hot gorgeous, nice guy who will respect me and care about me, and actually want to be around me.
What the hell's wrong with me?

really sad right about now.
Luckily friends will be joining me this week for fun here in block island.

4 comments|post comment

I'd say, 'Pissed off' Is more like it. [12 Aug 2006|07:24pm]
Okay, well i thought i had plans with mike tonight.
I told him to call me around the time he got out...5.
It's almost 7:30 now, and I still can't get ahold of him.

I hate being stood up.

Update, if anything new changes.
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bitchass [11 Aug 2006|12:38pm]
got a new cell phone, finally!!!
same number
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"The Golden Dragon made it" [05 Aug 2006|12:50am]
On a different note...


Fingertips, and lovely lips
more than just soft skin.
raising up my flowered dress and you quietly caress.
Last night was not a step, but a hope.
Let's go for more.
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Growl [02 Aug 2006|11:32pm]
Okay, I don't think I can take much of this any longer.
I'm piling stress onto myself...
[as I always do.]
I always add so much pressure to myself, and to finish so many tasks at once.
I'm such a bad procrastinator, but yet, I can't help it.
It just always happens.
I need to clean up my documents on this computer, and delete stupid files stored up.
And hideous pictures of myself, that I thought looked good.
[Probably going to delete...all?]

i hate being unsure of things as well.
As of right now, I don't know where I stand with anyone.
I'm dating someone...but are we together?
or not?
or, this is making Jacqui very confused, and extremely frustrated?!
well...tomorrow in the morning i might hang out wiht jake until he goes to work at 4.
then artwork stuff/read a tad.
[maybe ill read like 10 chapters tonight.]
then sunken garden poetry with father.
i refuse to recite my work.
then hanging out with michael, who will be leaving me friday morning.

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erkfjgerjgaFUCKdthdjfhqrlguer [28 Jul 2006|12:10pm]
[ mood | heated. ]

Okay, so as of now, myspace is not letting me on.
And it's making me very upset.
There is no food whatsoever in this household, and that makes me mad.
When I say no food, I mean it.
No breakfast, at all.
I don't feel like getting dressed to go out and find a meal.
Call me lazy, but it's just not cool.
New Hampshire tomorrow.

I'm being paranoid.
I need to go shower, or read my book or something.

Smelly cat.
Maybe I'll go back to sleep.
Sounds good.
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